Survivor Support

Gill Merrin

On Saturday 20th March 1993, Bill and I attended the wedding of his best friend. Bill was on night shift, and unfortunately after a few hours we had to leave the celebrations, so that Bill could go to work.

My nightmare began at 1.30am with a knock on the door. Assuming it was Bill finished early, and having forgotten his keys (not for the first time), I opened the door to be confronted by four decidedly uncomfortable looking police officers. Still half asleep, I struggled to make sense of why they were there, somebody asked where the children were, Bill was mentioned, and the fact that there had been a fight, and that Bill was hurt.

Part of me recognised that things said did not add up, a million or more questions ran through my head, but having faith in those officers, I chose to ignore those feelings. The officers took me to hospital with me trying to comprehend why, if Bill was hurt were we going so slowly, and why oh why were we going the long route? With hindsight it was obvious; these officers were stalling for time, and unsure how to deal with the situation.

Eventually the events of the night unfolded. Bill had been stabbed to death whilst making an arrest. What a Mother's Day gift for myself and Bill's Mum!

Life changed beyond belief, some people were a great help, others, well what can I say ...? Work were as good as they could be, but eventually it became impossible, especially with the trial looming. A guilty verdict helped a little as did the laying of the memorial stone, but I couldn't stay, I made a monumental decision to run away and start afresh 300 miles away.

Having moved I met someone who gave me some hope of sunny peaceful days, but life had other planse for me. Sixteen months after we were married, I was faced with another funeral, and having to tell the children for a second time that someone close had died.

Within the year, two more funerals followed. I pleaded at my Nan's graveside, "no more" - I was at breaking point. In a new area, hardly knowing anyone, I turned to college and trained as a counsellor, eventually working for Relate, specialising in bereavement.

In the early days after Bill's death, someone once asked what does Gill Forth want? At that time I didn't have an answer. I now know that it was support and understanding, which I hope that COPS will provide.

Gill Merrin